There are two upcoming laws that will save the children from a life of depravity and stinky clothing. The first to hit, exclusive to the state of Maine is this one, prohibiting wine tastings from occurring in venues where children will lay their eyes upon adults, of age…. drinking. That’s right, this law is meant to shield the eyes of impressionable children from drinking the Blood of Christ…
I meant ‘Mama’s medicine’….
fuck, no, this isn’t therapy..
I need to remember that…
wait, I have it.. The Devils Milk.
There, that’s right. Sinful and awful. As of this Saturday(9/12), no more free booze in retail settings, even at some quaint little wine shop where nary a child would be seen. Sure, they’re working to get the language right, so those quaint shops can resume their tastings, but that won’t happen until January.
But, aside from that, the law-as it stands or in it’s upcoming edit-is not worth the paper it’s printed on. It’s one of those unnecessary bullshit laws that a rep uses to pad their accolades. “Look what I’ve done to save the youth of Maine” they’ll tout, when in reality they know that no one will be saved as nothing will be accomplished from it. Sure, this is the state where Prohibition started, so it shouldn’t be a shock that there are still some deep rooted attachment to a puritanical system.. But, c’mon, this is also a state where you can pick up a gallon sized bottle of Beef Eater just aisles away from the Gummy Snacks and BooBerry Cereal. Who are you penalizing but retailers and legal aged adults looking to get a free buzz on?
And where there are drinkers there are smokers. And that, my friends leads me to the next bullshit law, with a bit more sinister backer and questionable statistics. On September 22nd, Goths, Lesbians and Hippies will mourn the loss of ‘Candy Flavored’ Cigarettes as this law goes into effect. Again, this bill is passed in the name of the children. One thing of note is that the ever popular flavor of mint, or the cool crystaline smoothness of Menthol cigarettes, is exempt from this list.
‘Why the exception,’ you ask? Because the major backer of this bill is Phillip Morris, the largest producer of Menthol cigs in the US.
I’ve chatted with many fellow smokers about this law, mostly because I’m pissed that I’ll have to order from over seas–until the PACT law is passed next year, as predicted, banning all cigarette sales online in the US. Many of them have joked about sneaking of one Grams Vanilla flavored Nat Shermans when she wasn’t looking. When in reality, it was Camels, Marlboros and Salems. This is where kids start smoking. Only the fringe kids–for me, it was the theater geeks in college–reach for the flavored smokes and most, except for me it seems, grows out of it and either quits or moves on the the PM/RJR produced cigarettes.
Not only does this bill scoop up the last hold outs for Phillip Morris, but it sends a message that it’s ok for young blacks to smoke(one of the largest groups who consume Methol’s), but not ok for suburban white youth(largest consumers of flavored cigs) to. Maybe that last part is reading into a bit too far, but I’m to the point of rationing and counting butts in order to make it through the next few months until I’m either ready to quit or Indonesia wins it’s dispute with the US through the WTO.
So, let’s put the two together and see how long until a bill is up to ban all flavored alcohol in the US. No Twisted Teas, Mikes Hard Lemonade, Vanilla Stoli or Brooklyn Brewery Chocolate Stout. Surely it’s come across the brain of someone else that feels the need to save the children from the vice in the world and what’s more appealing than booze that doesn’t taste like booze? Zima, anyone? So, start getting use to the taste of pure grain alcohol cause your vice days are numbered too.
And before I hear moans about ‘What does banning nasty smoking have to do with food?’ I am reminded of a question a cousin posed to me once:
“Do you ever eat just so you can have that cigarette after?”
I am not ashamed to say I have.